Drinkey drinkey.

Hehe, yes i was drunk when i posted my rambleing, "im sorry i haven't posted", crap, but what is said, what what of it is legible i mean, i should start blogging more often, if nothign else as sort of diary for myself, see how i doing, or not doing, well this was just a little blurb, laters.

Booze and clocks don't mix.

Wow, im really bad at this whole keeping going st someith seeing it through crap, nearly 5 months since my last post, to be honest i had pretty much completly forgotten about my one man therapy session that is this blog, but thats whats happens when your single handedly funding the next smirnoff vodka board of execs summer trip through mass consuption of their fine dostilled grain product, basically i have been in a drunken haze, ut im going to try and start reblogging, keep up with this, fill, well none of you in on whats be happening, not a lot, but whatever, so laters for now.

Drinky time.

How shit am i, very thats how shit i am, in my own self abrobed way i thought i was fine so stopped blogging, not that anyone noticed.

Well since then i have been haveing CBT pretty once a week, which helped to a degree, but to be honest i have been pretty much drinking evey night, and i remeber very little of the last 5 months i suppose, becuase soon as i get into bed i pour a drink watch something on iplayer and seem to black out, pregress hey.

Well i have been considering getting back to work, just for a few hours a week, and takieng up driveing lessons again, and maybe doing some excirse, im so gross right now, anyway i sahll fill more of the gaps, if i remeber them later, im pretty buzzed now so i may pour myself another.

Mind fuck.

So we dropped my little brother off at uni this morning for his secound year, i would never say it out loud but im really proud of him, he got good grades last year and is on a really academic/scientific course not a wankey theology one, but it did feel a bit shit to not be heading off somewhere myself, i have spent the whole summer in a sort of bubble where by i was under the impression by september i would have sorted myself out and be off somewhere starting to live again, but to be honest for the past four weeks i have been drinking every night, takeing anti-histamines/anti-biotics/anti-depreants and strong pain killers to quwell the boredom and help me sleep, not good i know.

But i'm going to join the gym on monday (i have been saying that for weeks but i really am now, i feel really crappy and weedy), and im starting an nhs art coaurse on wednesday, everyone their appears to be a secret sycophpath but it gets me out of the house at least, seeing as i havent been on a night out in town for 5 weeks.

So i have come to the conculcison that, yes im going to go to the gym, yes im going to shower everyday, yes im going to shave/pluck my eyebrows/cut my nails regualry/ eat properly, but i can also drink like a fish and smoke,(which i have just started after reading some reasearch on smoking and bipolar), but i have to find a happy meduim, so i can take care fo myself and workout(which i secretly love but would never admit), but also drink like a piss head and go out to fetish clubs and be crazy aswell, their not mutualy exclusive.

p.s.- the picture is just becuase i really love Miley Cyrus, she is, well just amazing and i dont care how gay or cleche it is she is an inspiration, love you smiley Miley.

Come softly to me.

So once again i have sort of left my blog, not that anyone cares, i do think to post sometimes but usualy when im in a really morbid mood and i don't want to give off that moody blog persona, so i just dont post.

So lets get into it, for the past two weeks my sleep has been mega fucked up, sleeping 4 am to 4 pm, so in an attempt to correct it and get to bed at a normal time i have been drinking a fair bit lately, Vodka is my tipple, but it doesnt help, i just get pissed and stay up all night listening to music and reading peoples facebook's while giggleing to myself. I have alos tried to take ani histamines, for the sedaiting affects, but these only seem to kick in about 5 pm, bummer.

So tonight im combineing them, this is hard core science people, so its a very large glass of white wine (which the last time i drank i passed out at the dinner table in a resteraunt), and some anti histamines, now i know this is probably not wise, but neither is my current sleeping pattern, so the wine is poured, pills popped and in a hour (when the pills supposidly kick in), i will put come softly to me by the fleetwoods on and hopefully drift of to sleep.

Out of sync.

Hmm, what to write, what to write, well i have been takeing anti depressants for about 6 weeks now, but only half, for reasons know only to me, hehe, and they have really fucked my sleeping up, or at least my sleeping is fucked up an im blameing them, i have staying up until 4/5 am, then waking up at 4 pm, how bad is that, im not eating very well, and i just relaised i haven't left the house in four days, but i dont feel awful, i feel ok actual, secreatly i like this pattern i get to be in my own world, becuase lately i have been being very retrospective on things thinking baout the past, and also abotu other people and compareing my self to them, most likely because i have no idea who i am.

On a pointless note i have been watching True blood, love that show, it makes me want to become a country bumpkin and go live in a village and walk on the moors, but maybe not get eaten by the beast of bodin, but fuck it i've had a good run, laters y'all.

Are those my pants.

Arrrg, brain ache, whenever i think im figureing all this out it get's all fucked up again.

Went out last night, got absolutly hammered entered some compition which saw me danceing on a stage in my undies, some wierd stuff happened with a guy, we're in a really wierd place, im not sure what to do about about, my insticit is to just cut him out, so i don't have to deal with it.

My psychotherapist is away for the next two weeks so no Cbt, which for the first time i feel like i could do with this week, just to talk it all through, but i suppose it will just have to suck it up, laters y'all.